Me Instead of Us
by racefh853629
Summary: "I'm looking hard in the mirror, but I don't fit my skin. It's too much to take."


A/N: I don't own Blue Bloods, CBS, or any other known entity. The title and summary comes from "Long Gone and Moved On" by The Script, which I also don't own. This is a story that wouldn't leave me alone after awhile. This takes place during Season 1, between Chinatown and Re-Do. I hope you guys enjoy, and please review. :)

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Me Instead of Us

Erin glanced at her watch as she shifted in her seat, again. It wasn't like him to be late, but yet, here it was, almost 8:00 and still no sign of him. She took a drink from her coffee just as he finally made his way into the café.

"I'm so sorry I'm late," Jamie said as he sat across from his sister.

"Late night last night?" she asked calmly.

He shrugged. "Not particularly." The waitress brought over some coffee for him, and the two of them ordered.

"You don't look so good, Jamie," she said after the waitress walked away.

"You don't mince words," he replied, drinking from his coffee.

"Jamie…"

"I haven't been sleeping too well at night lately," he admitted quietly. "Since the IA investigation."

"What about Sydney?"

"What about her?"

"What does she say?"

He shrugged. "I, uh, haven't heard from her since she, uh, left for London a few days ago." He looked down quietly.

Erin felt her heart sink. "Oh, Jamie," she said softly. "I'm so sorry."

Jamie shrugged again. "My fault, really. I haven't really been there for her since I came on the job. Not sure I really thought about what she was going through, what she was thinking. I was more worried about what I needed to do and to learn for the job."

Erin frowned as the waitress brought over their food.

"Besides, better we learn now that this isn't working rather than getting married first, right?" he said after the waitress left.

"I guess," Erin conceded. "But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."

"No, it doesn't," he said softly.

"Have you told anyone else yet?"

He shook his head before drinking from his coffee. "Haven't really felt much like talking."

Erin nodded solemnly. "I understand that one."

"At least when you and John broke up, you didn't have to give Dad back the ring."

She chuckled slightly. "True. Have you done that yet?"

He shook his head again. "I'm trying to figure out the best time. With the potential overturn of all those cases… now doesn't seem like a good time."

"True." She sighed. "And I don't even want to _think_ about that part right now."

"Sorry." He took a small bite from his eggs.

Erin watched him curiously, having never known any of her brothers to pick at food unless he was sick or upset. Jamie tended to wear his heart on his sleeve, making it easier to read him than the others. And while she could see he was upset, she knew there was something else.

"What else is going on, Jamie?" she asked gently.

"Just getting used to the job, I guess," he replied, shrugging slightly.

Erin was mostly certain it was something else, but she wasn't sure beyond a reasonable doubt.

"I mean, hearing the stories is a lot different from living the stories," he continued, taking another small bite of food. "I guess I always saw the toll it took on the family, but I never really thought about it. And then with Sydney…"

She nodded.

"I just keep hoping I didn't make the biggest mistake of my life letting her leave," he said softly.

"Do you think you could have made her stay?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I don't know. Sometimes I felt like I did enough to make sure she knew I loved her, but then I realize that I wasn't there."

"Women can't compete with the gun and the badge."

He bit his cheek somberly. "I made a choice because it was my destiny. I don't think it was part of hers, though. She loved me for me, but knowing what I was doing… being there with me after Joe…" Jamie's voice trailed off, and Erin frowned. He cleared his throat. "I don't know that she could handle that part of the job."

"None of us really can," Erin said softly.

Jamie sighed heavily.

Erin reached over, putting her hand on her brother's arm. "I'm really sorry, Jamie."

"Thanks," he said quietly.

The table fell silent as both of them ate, Erin more so than Jamie.

"At least when you got divorced, you still had Nicki there," Jamie told her after a few minutes. "The apartment's silent when I get home. Her stuff is gone. It's so…"

"Empty?" she suggested. "Final?"

"Something like that."

She frowned again.

"I guess maybe it just wasn't meant to be."

"Maybe not," Erin said. "But you'll bounce back. You've got a good heart, Jamie. You'll be okay."

He nodded, but said nothing.

"And, who knows. Maybe someday, someone else will come into your world, and she'll be okay with your job, your life, and everything that comes with it."

"Yeah, maybe," he breathed.

"I know, it's hard to think like that right now," she told him.

"Yeah. But, you're right. It will be okay."

Erin nodded.

"Can you do me a favor, though?" Jamie asked softly.

"Anything," she said readily.

"Please don't tell anyone. I'd rather explain that myself."

"Of course I won't. Though, I'm pretty sure some of them may already have an idea from dinner the other night."

"Yeah?"

"You didn't say where Sydney was, just that she wasn't coming."

Jamie nodded. "Read between the lines."

"Pretty much."

He shrugged. "Maybe it's better off that way, then. Won't be so surprising when she doesn't come around anymore."

Erin tilted her head to the side and back.

"How'd you explain it to Sean and Jack?"

"Linda did," she said.

Jamie bit his bottom lip. "Am I gonna have to explain it to her?" he asked.

"I think she gets it. We all do. None of us are particularly easy to live with. The lives we chose…"

Jamie sighed softly, but nodded.

"I _am_ sorry, Jamie," Erin said softly. "I liked Sydney too."

Jamie nodded slowly, picking at his food again.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked gently.

Jamie shook his head. "I'll be okay," he told her softly.

"If there's anything, don't hesitate to ask."

Jamie smiled slightly. "I'm pretty sure I already asked for something," he joked quietly.

Erin chuckled lightly. "Yeah, you'll be okay," she said.

Jamie only smiled.

The End.


End file.
